The Right Hand Of Doom makes a guest appearance in today’s charity trainers challenge, mainly to distract from the Helly Hansen trainers…
Hell is… other people’s trainers. Actually, that’s not true. I thought when I started this challenge that it would be, assuming that the people who were loaning me their trainers would delight in giving me crappy, clapped out footwear, embarrassing girly sneakers or other crimes against sartorial elegance. And I still fear the day I have to wear a pair of Reebok Classics (I will get randomly arrested, I know I will). But generally that has been the case and I’ve been loaned some fantastic trainers (so far) that I’ve been loath to give back.
But these ones? Sorry Mr Simon Withers; I’m thankful for the loan, but you can have ’em back first thing tomorrow.
These are true Frankentrainers. I mean… what are they? Glorified bowling shoes with a Spider-Man webbing theme going on? Perhaps. But the soles (which look part pinball machine, part Speed Racer) announce that they’re made from “Ultra Storm Grip Rubber”.
Well you don’t get too many storms in bowling alleys, so I presume they’re intended for outdoors use. But running? They don’t look or feel like they’re designed for that; they’re actually really stiff and unyielding. Withers is a very keen cyclist so maybe they’re cycling shoes, but there’s no sign of cletes. And if the soles are made for storms, the tops certainly aren’t. I had a 60-second walk from the bus station to the office this morning in not particularly heavy rain, and my feet got soaked. Not from water seeping in through wear and tear (there isn’t any) but by a cunning design flaw that seems to collect water on the lower tongue and then deposit it on your toes.
They’re made by Helly Hansen, a brand I associate with sunglasses rather than trainers, and as far as I can tell, the only thing they’re good for is a bad Hellboy pun. If I didn’t have to give them back, I’d crush them with my right hand of doom.
Thanks Simon, but, no thanks!
(There are three more loan pairs to come from Simon, though, and two of them are blinders).
Current total: £490 (so nearly at the £500!)
• Remember this is all for charity, so any pennies or pounds you can spare PLEASE DONATE BY CLICKING HERE.
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• If you have any trainers you could donate (either on loan or old pairs you’re getting rid of) which are size 9 (ish – I can do anything from 8 to 10) contact me at email@example.com so we can arrange collection.
• Please, please, please leave comments below! I’m after ideas for mini-challenges, future photoshoots and how I can find enough pairs of trainers!