Sole Of Sci-Fi’s dream (and nightmare) sci-fi weddings…
If I were to get married (which isn’t likely) I would make two demands for the ceremony: bubbles in place of confetti, and I’d be wearing Converse All-Stars. I love the look of a crisp, clean, new pair of black and white Cons with a suit. (I have actually worn Cons to a couple of quite posh, straight-laced weddings and nobody ever seemed to mind.)
What’s put me in a wedding frame of mind? Today’s pair of trainers, which were loaned to me by Rhian Drinkwater. They’re not hers. They’re actually the shoes her husband wore to their wedding. And while they’re not Cons, kudos to Mr Rhian for wearing something a bit different. Admittedly, like the Vans I wore a few weeks back, this pair exist in an “are they actually trainers?” grey area, but they’re certainly not conventional shoes. And hey, if one of my Sole Of Sci-Fi supporters want to loan me a pair like this, then they obviously think they count.
And while I’m in a wedding frame of mind, here are a few of Sole Of Sci-Fi’s fave and least fave sci-fi and fantasy weddings (some aborted, of course):
The Princess Bride
The Impressive Clergyman: “Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.”
Prince Humperdinck: “Skip to the end.”
The Impressive Clergyman: “Have you the wing?”
Peter Cook, we love you!
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine “You Are Cordially Invited”
Trust Trek’s best series to produce the franchise’s only great wedding episode. This is comedy genius as Worf’s non-Klingon bride, and non Klingon mates have to endure Klingon marital rituals (though Dax refuses to go nude, notably). There’s even a surreptitious shag in a cupboard for Kira and Odo at the pre-wedding party.
Doctor Who “The End Of Time, Part Two”
“The Runaway Bride”, which introduced Donna Noble a few years earlier, was a bit of a dog’s dinner, but when Donna finally got hitched in the Tenth Doctor’s final story, it was a truly moving ceremony, especially as Donna had lost all memory of her time with the Doctor by this point. This brief scene is full of lovely touches, especially the Doctor’s wedding gift (a presumably winning ticket for the lottery) bought with a pound he borrowed from Donna dearly departed dad (“Thing is, I never carry money, so I just popped back in time, borrowed a quid off a really lovely man. Geoffrey Noble, his name was”). When Wilf salutes the clearly dying Doctor, it’s one of the show’s most lip-quivering moments.
Ming tries to hurry up his wedding to Dale as the war rocket Ajax approaches Mingo city. “Attention, all wedding guests,” goes an announcement. “There is no cause for alarm. The weapons are being fired in continuous salute in honor of His Majesty’s wedding.” And hey presto, Mingo’s lightning field defences light up the city like a big, neon wedding cake. The vows are great too: “Do you, Ming the Merciless, ruler of the universe, take this Earthling, Dale Arden, to be your Empress of the hour? Do you promise to use her? Not to blast her into space until you grow weary of her?”
Chuck “Chuck Versus The Ring”
Without a doubt my fave wedding episode of any TV show ever (and that includes the divisive Sherlock episode that personally I adored but isn’t sci-fi or fantasy so I can’t include it here). This was Chuck at its insane best as the hapless wannabe spy tries to stop his sister’s wedding to Captain Awesome being ruined by Roark (Chevy Chase) and his bully boys from evil spy organisation The Ring. The montage sequence in which Jeffster try to entertain the congregation with a Eurovision-worthy version of “Mr Roboto” while Chuck and Sarah battle the spies using improvised wedding gifts and cutlery from the reception tables is a classic. The only shame is that it totally outshone the Chuck and Sarah wedding episode a couple of years later.
The Amazing Spider-Man 131
Doctor Octopus plans to marry Aunt May! Noooo! Don’t let it happen, Spidey. On the other hand, “With this ring, I thee… WEB?” is possibly the greatest single comic book coverline EVER!
Buffy The Vampire Slayer “Hells Bells”
Anybody who knows me of old from my days on SFX and the SFX website will know immediately from seeing that title and that picture that I’ve now moved onto my least faves. It’s not like I’ve made any secret of my loathing of this episode over the years. I LOVE Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but in my opinion the show totally dropped the ball here, with an episode full of misfiring slapstick gags and really obvious wedding episode clichés. The big fight between the groom’s (human) family and the bride’s (supernatural) family at the climax should have been a showstopper, but looked like a reason for show axing. Thankfully, the series recovered rapidly.
Star Trek: The Next Generation “Data’s Day”
Okay, I admit, the episode itself isn’t so bad. But it’s legacy? Oh dear. Because this was he episode in which Miles O’Brien married Keiko, thus making her a recurring character and sentencing viewers to endless stories featuring her incessant whinging and sulky face. What did O’Brien see in her?
Lois & Clark “Swear To God, This Time We’re Not Kidding”
Lois And Clark was pretty awful by this point anyway, but the wedding episode was almost unbearably dire, and – as you can tell by the title – annoyingly meta too, winking at the audience a little too much (there’s even a mysterious character called Mike who keeps appearing at opportune times to sort things out, almost like the writers going, “Hey, we can introduce deus ex machina whenever we like… live with it”). This week’s villain is the created-to-fit “The Wedding Destroyer”. Shame he didn’t succeed.
Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones
Least convincing courtship ever. She’d have dumped the sulky git long before that rough sand chat up line.
Oh, What The Heck, I Need Some New Sponsors
Here’s a totally gratuitous picture of Benedict Cumberbatch from that wedding episode of Sherlock.
I suppose I could have written today’s blog on Eurovision, but I think I said nearly everything I wanted to say about the various entrants during the heats last week. Glad Austria won, mainly because (according to the BBC’s Moscow correspondent on Breakfast this morning) it really pissed off the Putin-friendly media in the newly homophobic Russia. Good. Plus, it was a decent song, sung with gusto. I was wondering if Conchita Wurst’s agent is already on the phone to the Bond producers, though.
The biggest mystery of the evening, though, was how Hungary did so well with a godawful, rather tasteless song that trivialised child abuse. Please listen to Suzanne Vega’s “Luka” for a much more sensitive treatment of the subject.
I suppose I should also explain yesterday’s cryptic picture clue. Yes, I’ve resigned. But I’ve written too much today already, so more news on that during the week.
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Cheers Dave G