Hey! My feet don’t smell that bad!
I’m from a generation that doesn’t think Leeloo is the fifth Teletubby. Instead, we recall Milla Jovovich, her modesty barely protected by a couple of bandages and wearing a carrot-coloured wig in The Fifth Element. The perfect accompaniment for these carrot-coloured Nikes then. Not that Leeloo seems too enamoured with them. Maybe after 220 days in trainers, I ought to consider investing in some odour eaters…
(That is just a joke. For anyone thinking of lending me a pair of trainers for the challenge, my feet always smell of camomile and mint…)
The Fifth Element is one of those films I feel I ought to like more than I do. It’s a reasonably decent space opera with some impressive production design; the plot is ridiculously thin but no worse than a lot of blockbuster films. But three things always drag it down for me; those interminable alien opera sequences that sound like a cat being strangled in a dustbin for hours on end; Jean-Paul Gaultier’s frankly ridiculous costume designs, which are presumably supposed to look kinky but just come across like a really poor cosplay competition; and Chris Tucker as screeching DJ Ruby Rhod, a man whose haircut quite literally invited the comment “dick head”.
It’s one of my all-time most loathed screen performances. I genuinely find it unwatchable. I would rather watch every Lwaxana Troi episode of Star Trek The Next Generation, followed by a Keiko O’Brien DS9 marathon.
See you tomorrow.
• Current total: £1,110
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